Don’t Do This: Compare & Despair

I’ve been doing the work I do for more than two decades — coaching creatives, running programs, leading workshops — and at this point, I think it’s fair to say I’m pretty darn good at it. I have a long track record, happy clients, and results I’m genuinely proud of. 

And yet… about ten years ago, I found myself completely derailed by comparison.

Someone new had popped up in the same space; doing the kind of work I do. We had different styles, sure, but a similar audience — and for reasons I couldn’t explain at the time, they got under my skin. I stalked their website, and if anyone mentioned that they worked with this person, I got an immediate unpleasant feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was painful and honestly — a massive waste of time. 

Then one day, a writer who had worked with both of us said something that snapped me out of it: “You’re totally different.” Different energy. Different approach. Different skill set. And they were right. We were never in competition — we were just two people helping in two different ways. That realization lifted something. I finally let it go, stopped doom-scrolling their site, and got back to focusing on my own work. Now? I truly wish them the best. Because there is enough to go around. Always has been.

Once I saw how much energy I wasted comparing myself to one person, I started noticing how often my clients were doing the exact same thing. It’s frighteningly easy to ‘compare and despair’ — especially when social media is involved… 

You know what I’m talking about — it happens in a split second. You’re minding your own business, plugging away at your script or polishing that pitch, maybe even feeling pretty damn good about yourself and your work, when you open instagram — 

“Sold my pilot to Netflix!”
“Just got staffed!!!”
“Wrapped my first feature shoot!”

And suddenly, you’re spiraling — 

“Wait, didn’t we start our careers at the same time? Why am I so far behind? Should I be doing something differently? Am I a bad writer? Maybe I should just give up, it’s never going to happen…”

We’ve all been there. Comparison hits fast, and it hits hard. It’s all too easy to see another screenwriter’s big win and think, ‘Why not me?’ But here’s the truth: someone else’s breakthrough doesn’t mean you’re failing — it just means your moment is still on the way.

Here are a few practical ways to stop the self-doubt spiral, shift your mindset and stay focused on your own journey — no matter what everyone else is doing:

1. Notice the Narrative

Writers are pros at spinning stories — especially in their own heads. So when you start spiraling after someone else’s big break, hit pause and ask yourself: what’s real here, and what’s a story I’m making up? “She’s better than me.” “I’m falling behind.” “It’s too late for me.” Is that the truth — or just self-sabotage? If the script in your head is not helping you, stop writing it. Do your best to let it go and get back to your own story.

2. Use comparison to help define your own version of success

That ‘win’ you’re envying? It can be a clue about your goals. So instead of letting your jealousy drag you down, get curious: “What does this tell me about what I want?” Do you want to get staffed? Become a Showrunner? Write and direct your own feature film? Use this moment to reflect and define what success means to you. Not Instagram. Not your reps. You. The clearer you are about what you ultimately want, the less likely you are to get knocked off course when someone else hits a milestone. To that point…

3. Set goals YOU can control

It’s easy to spiral when all of your goals depend on someone else’s “yes.” Selling a pilot, getting repped, getting staffed—those are outcome goals, and they’re largely out of your hands. So set a few goals you can control and that are completely achievable. Like, “write five pages a day,” “submit to two contests this month,” “follow up with a producer or mentor to set a coffee.” When your progress is measurable — and self-driven — you can feel forward momentum. And that momentum? It helps you feel positive and stay focused on your own progress — rather than obsessing over someone else’s.

4. Make a Wins List

When you’re stuck on someone else’s ‘big win,’ it’s easy to forget your own. So make it harder to forget — keep a running list of wins on your Notes app or on your desktop — somewhere you’ll actually check it. Were you a finalist in a script competition? Great, write it down. Did a producer say they loved your script? That counts. Finished a draft? Sent that scary cold email? Nailed a meeting? Put it on the list — small wins are still wins. Then whenever doubt creeps in, open the list. Even if the “big win” hasn’t happened yet, it’s a great shot to your ego and proof you’re moving forward (even when it doesn’t feel like it).

5. Curate Your Feed

If certain accounts constantly leave you feeling anxious, it’s okay to mute them (seriously, they’ll never know). Whether its industry contacts or even friends — muting gives you control. You can check their feed when you choose, instead of being blindsided when you need it the least. This isn’t burying your head in the sand — it’s protecting your mental space. On that thought, follow people who inspire you. People who post about the ups and downs of the industry; who share about the grind, not just the shiny end results. That said, when ‘comparison-fueled posts’ do sneak through…

6. Zoom Out

It’s easy to romanticize someone else’s success when all you see is the highlight reel. But let’s be real — that, “overnight success” probably took ten years (or more). That “big script sale” probably came after a lot of other scripts went nowhere. No one posts their rejection emails, ‘dead screenplays’ folder on their desktop, or their pitches that tanked. So before you spiral, zoom out. Just because their post made it look easy, doesn’t mean it was.

7. View your peers as allies, not competition

This industry is tough — don’t make it tougher by viewing everyone around you as a threat to your success. Your peers are in the trenches with you, not against you. So cheer on your friends. Text them a congrats. Share contacts, opportunities, and advice. You don’t have to fake being thrilled every time someone else has a break through —but you can train your brain to see their success as proof that it’s possible. If it’s happening for someone you know, it means it can happen for you. Period.

8. Try to remind yourself —

You’re not behind. You’re not doing it wrong. You’re just on your path.

So keep going. Keep writing. And when someone else has their big moment, take a breath and tell yourself: Good for them. I’m still in the game. My time is coming.

What are your best tips for avoiding the comparison trap? Let me know @CaroleKirsch!

For more industry info and tips check out these additional resources:

If you're interested in finding out more about my one-on-one coaching, go to: carolekirschner.com/options

For the ultimate guide to pitching a TV show that sells, check out my e-book, The Ultimate Guide to a Killer Pitch

To learn how to create your “personal logline” read my free e-book, Tell Your Story in 60 Seconds.

For my in-depth video course on breaking into the business go to: Carole Kirschner’s Hollywood Boot Camp.

And you can find my book, Hollywood Game Plan on Amazon or at Michael Wiese Productions (MWP).