Break Free of Toxic Professional Relationships
Back when I was a network development exec, I met a powerhouse agent — definitely top of the food chain. We hit it off over drinks, and he offered to help if ever I needed a new gig. I was grateful to have someone like him in my proverbial back pocket. The problem was, I had this gut feeling he might be a jerk.
Still, I kept the relationship going — took his calls, heard his clients’ pitches (some were okay, most were not) —because I felt like I owed him. When it finally looked like I’d have to leave my company, I set up a lunch to ask for that help he’d offered. First, he postponed lunch. Then he cancelled. Then he ghosted me completely.
The truth? I’d ignored every red flag, clinging to a connection I didn’t trust because I was afraid I’d need him someday. “Welcome to Hollywood”, I told myself — and then vowed to trust my gut from then on. Which I have.
We all know networking is a must in this industry — meet the right people, build relationships, “put yourself out there” — you’ve heard it a million times. And yes, in a business where who you know can open just as many doors as what you write, connections do matter. But that little Hollywood gut-check taught me something that we don’t talk about enough:
Not every connection is a good one.
If you feel like you’re trapped in a one-sided relationship, walking on eggshells to maintain a certain connection, or simply feel like sh*t about yourself after spending time with a specific person — it’s time to take a step back and re-evaluate.
Chances are those relationships aren’t “good networking” they’re emotional labor that might be draining your energy and hindering your growth.
Here’s how to spot some classic toxic networking traps — and what to do instead:
1. Listen to your gut
If there’s a professional relationship you suspect might be toxic, pay attention to how you feel after spending time with them. Do they leave you feeling small? On edge? Or like you owe them something? Any and all of the above are red flags. Healthy professional relationships shouldn’t leave you spiraling. They should leave you feeling respected, empowered or (at the very least) neutral.
2. Fancy titles don’t equal follow through
Just because someone has an impressive IMDb page doesn’t automatically make them a great connection. If you find yourself doing mental gymnastics to justify why you keep investing time and energy into a relationship like, “Maybe they’ll recommend me someday…” or “They know that big-time producer who could totally help my career, if they ever actually made the intro…” — it’s time to re-evaluate. If someone is flakey or dismissive now, that’s unlikely to change. Relationships built on obligation or vague future “maybes” rarely turn into what you’re hoping for. I’m not saying you need to cut them out completely, but consider re-directing your energy elsewhere. And hey, if they do come through one day? Great. Let it be a nice surprise — not part of your career strategy.
3. Be wary of the one-way ask
You know the kind of people I’m talking about — the ones who only reach out when they need a favor, or who frame everything in terms of what you can do for them. That’s not a mutually beneficial connection, that’s a “To Do list” you never asked for. Don’t get me wrong, helping each other out is part of any good professional (or personal) relationship. But the solid ones? They’re built on give and take. So what can you do? See my next point…
4. Set boundaries (seriously, it will not tank your career)
If someone makes you feel like you can’t say no — to reading their 148 page draft, working for free with no return, to a last-minute “quick question” that somehow takes up your entire afternoon — you’re allowed to set boundaries. Say it with me, “I’m allowed to have boundaries.” You’re allowed to take the time you need to respond to an email or text. You’re allowed to tell someone you’re too busy to read their draft, can’t work for free, and don’t have time to answer their question right now. Protecting your energy can be just as important as building your network. I have a showrunner client who’s constantly bombarded by new writers asking her to read their material or grab coffee. When we started working together, she said, “yes” every time — she’s genuinely a good person. But she was exhausted and barely had enough time for her own writing. So together, we came up with a reasonable amount of time she should devote to helping newbies. It was tough for her at first, but within a month, she had set that boundary and was feeling good about supporting up-and-comers without draining herself.
5. It’s okay to move on
Some connections serve a season, and then it’s time to move on. That doesn’t make you ungrateful or a bad person — it makes you a human who’s growing and changing. Just because someone helped you get an agent or manager, or gave you feedback on a script once — doesn’t mean you owe them lifelong loyalty if the relationship’s become stagnant (or downright toxic). Don’t be a jerk about it: If you see them at a party say hello, and don’t sh*t talk them behind their back (this town is smaller than you think). But if you’ve outgrown a person, it’s okay to respectfully give them less of your time. Letting go of relationships that no longer serve you makes space for ones that do.
6. What healthy networking looks like
At the end of the day, the best kind of “networking” doesn’t feel like networking — it feels like creating and maintaining community. It involves a lot of mutual respect, give and take, constructive feedback, lifting each other up (not tearing each other down), and zero pressure to always say yes. So instead of clinging to connections out of fear or habit, focus on building relationships with people who respect your time, talent and who want you to win. Those are the folks you want to surround yourself with.
What are your best networking tips? Let me know @CaroleKirsch!
For more industry info and tips check out these additional resources:
For the ultimate guide to pitching a TV show that sells, check out my e-book, The Ultimate Guide to a Killer Pitch
To learn how to create your “personal logline” read my free e-book, Tell Your Story in 60 Seconds.
For my in-depth video course on breaking into the business go to: Carole Kirschner’s Hollywood Boot Camp.
And you can find my book, Hollywood Game Plan on Amazon or at Michael Wiese Productions (MWP).