It’s Okay to Feel Like Sh*t
It's springtime in Los Angeles. Which means it's that time of year when screenplay competitions and writing programs start announcing who made it to the next level (or even the final level) and Hollywood's slowly getting back into a ‘buying/developing mood’ after the dual strikes of 2023.
Which also means your social feeds might be flooded with friends and colleagues posting their script sale news, tweeting their latest competition win, and instagramming their Deadline announcements. Which is great. Really. You want to be happy for them. Genuinely, you do. But let's be real, a part of you just wants to claw your own eyes out. Not because you’re a masochist, but because your script's still sitting there unsold, or you received a rejection letter instead of a ‘congratulations!’, or you have yet to celebrate a Deadline announcement for anything.
Now, I could tell you rejection will make you a stronger writer. I could throw you some clichés like “all it takes is one” and “your time is coming”. I could regale you with inspirational stories about writers who were told “no” over and over again, only to go onto phenomenal success (Stranger Things was turned down by over 15 networks; Breaking Bad was rejected by Showtime, HBO, TNT, and FX; Get Out received multiple rejections from studios who referred to the movie script as a “stupid story”).
But I won’t. Because you're not in the mood for that. You’re in the mood to stomp and kick and shout, “I'm way more talented than that HACK friend of mine!” And you know what? That's okay. Because rejection sucks.
Believe it or not, it can even be a good thing to not be okay with it.
Seriously!
So often we’re told the key to success is to maintain a relentlessly cheery, upbeat outlook. That we need to “stay positive”. But sometimes allowing yourself to feel your sadness, frustration, annoyance (or all of the above) can help you come to terms with your feelings and move on. In other words “feeling your feelings” can actually help you accept, adapt, persevere and grow.
My husband calls it ‘wallowing in a good way’. I call it feeling your true feelings. Call it whatever you like, just know that it’s normal (and probably healthy) to do.
Don’t just take my word for it — Tina Gilbertson, a Denver-based psychologist and author on the concept of ‘Constructive Wallowing’ argues that, “It’s far more natural to wallow than not to. Think about it - when we’re injured physically, the body sends attention and energy to the injured part. It’s natural for the mind to do the same when we’re hurting emotionally. Refusing to wallow is like walking around on a broken foot instead of attending to it.”
So allow yourself to channel your ‘teenage angst’ for a moment. Be bummed. Scream in your car. Yell into a pillow. Have a good cry in the shower. Whatever you need to do to let that suckage out.
Here are a few tips for a good wallow:
Feel really, really awful. Drinking and playing video games might look like wallowing but unless you take time to sit with and really feel your emotions with compassion, it won’t be constructive.
Wallowing is like brushing your teeth, it’s a great thing to do, but not at a dinner party. Try setting aside at least an hour to feel your feelings in a private place where you feel comfortable to really let it out — like your bedroom or a bath.
Putting names to your feelings can help them move through. It’s amazing how calming it can be just to find a word for what you’re feeling — hurt, anger, jealousy, regret, shame, dread… there is no wrong answer.
Wallow without judgement. Having an emotion is not the same as acting on it. For example, feeling jealous of another screenwriter is not the same as actively sabotaging or putting down that screenwriter. We can feel one way and act another.
Try a bit of automatic writing. Automatic writing (or “free flow” writing) can be a powerful tool to move through tough feelings. Use a piece of paper rather than your computer - it does something to your brain to use your hand to write through emotions - and just write whatever comes into you head without taking the pen off the paper until you have nothing left. This process allows your subconscious to express itself and can help you release anything you might be having a hard time letting go of. If you try automatic writing, be open to unexpected thoughts, emotions, or insights coming up and repeat as needed.
All that said, before you settle in for a good pity-party, here’s one very important proviso:
Only let yourself wallow for 48 hours.
That’s it. Just two days.
Then you need to suck it up and move on… to the next script, the next general meeting, the next competition.
It might feel really hard, but you can do it. (Partners, friends and therapists can be great resources to help you move through if it feels impossible on your own.)
Also, you might be surprised by what comes into your life after you “honor” your feelings. Years ago, I had a job that I loved but didn’t get my contract renewed. I was devastated. I ate ice cream, bought shoes compulsively and drove around in my car listening to this old R&B song called “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” and ugly crying. That’s when my husband said it was okay to wallow for 48 hours. Which I did and then moved on to a much better gig.
So go ahead… feel bad for a moment... (or 48 hours).
Then, celebrate your friend's success, find a way to be happy for them, and most importantly, keep writing. Because there will come a day when you’re the one posting/tweeting/instagramming your success while your friend secretly stomps, shouts and calls you a hack.
Onward,
Carole
What tools do you use to move through rejection? Let me know @CaroleKirsch!
For more industry info and tips check out these additional resources:
For the ultimate guide to pitching a TV show that sells, check out my e-book, The Ultimate Guide to a Killer Pitch
To learn how to create your “personal logline” read my free e-book, Tell Your Story in 60 Seconds.
For my in-depth video course on breaking into the business go to: Carole Kirschner’s Hollywood Boot Camp.
And you can find my book, Hollywood Game Plan on Amazon or at Michael Wiese Productions (MWP).